[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
That de-escalated quickly
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!