Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.