Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
You’ll be OK
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.