Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I hate my earbuds.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.