Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
You Might Also Like
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?