God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
don’t be scared
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Remember folks 😂
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type