I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
You Might Also Like
Note to self: I am a note
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Boom, boom, ching!
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest