You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
You Might Also Like
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT