You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
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I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?