[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.