Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
called in thicc to work this morning
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*