Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
classic mixup
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Got him!
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no