People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.