did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
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I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
lmao
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.