Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
The Birdles
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*