When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
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Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
🤔😂😂
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Ok but actually
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick