*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
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MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Best table by far
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
How is it still this week?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Who knew!
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party