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Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.