Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
No, he would not have.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy