[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I am crying
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.