After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
You Might Also Like
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning