One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
me when I see my crush
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.