Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
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[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.