People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Breaking news:
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??