Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
You Might Also Like
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
translated into Canadian
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.