[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
good morning
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.