A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
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Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]