IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue