“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
You Might Also Like
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”