[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
You Might Also Like
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me too door. Me too.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing