I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
You Might Also Like
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.