MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
the greatest twitter interaction
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.