Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
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How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
is this a threat
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT