I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.