*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings