Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
You Might Also Like
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again