The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
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If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs