sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]