Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You’ll be OK
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Taco Bell, Exit 22