I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.