Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
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I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
No. He’s not coming out to play
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month