It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*limbos under the caution tape
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.