Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”