guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
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Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
*pokes sex life with a stick
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
how much for the angry fruit?
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.