It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My patience has stretch marks.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa