[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
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I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.