I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
lmfao come on
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Basketball
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
who will stop them
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.