[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?