Yup!
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[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
#dnd #ttrpg
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.