I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.